Entries about ping pong show

With our bags packed and our sleepy but excited selves at the ready, we left our warm apartment and ventured out into the -5 degree weather of China and hopped into a taxi.
Half an hour later we were at the new train station in Xinxiang ready to head out to Beijing to catch our flight.
When we arrived in Beijing there was snow and slush everywhere so we trudged over to the airport shuttle bus, paid our £1.60 and chilled out for 40 minutes to and hour.
We got to the airport terminal then had to get another shuttle bus to our terminal - Beijing Airport is massive!
We got our tickets and checked in our bags then went to get some food, which is when I actually looked at our plane tickets..... our flight was at 19:45 but our boarding time was 21:00.... balls.
I look at my watch to see that it was only 18:07 - we were going to be here for a while!
So, in true British (and American) fashion, we found a bar, got a drink and played Uno! Within no time at all, well, within 3 hours, we were sat by our boarding gate... where we stayed for another half an hour... and a little more... and once the last person had gone through the doors to the transfer bus, then and only then, did we get up and proceed to the boarding counter and handed over our tickets.
Well the plane wasn't going to leave without us!
It then didn't leave until 23:17, just to spite us!
The flight was pretty standard; 5 hours, a little sleep, a little food, random sections of a film, the old "you have arrived in Bangkok".
We stepped off the plane into a wall of thick, warm heat.
Yes.
We had definitely arrived.
It was 5am and 34 degrees! Tasty!
We jumped in a cab and were on our way to our hostel [We Bangkok] - Naturally we were ripped off by the cab even though it was on the meter and paid about 400 baht more than was necessary, but it still only cost about £13 so I'm not really that hung up on it.
We were slightly worried that we were not allowed to fart in the taxi...

We threw our bags in our room (quietly, as someone was sleeping in there!) then went up to the rooftop to chill in the heat of the night.

About 6am, we got into bed and power-napped for about 4 hours, then we were up and out to explore our new surroundings...

We went to meet up with Mish's friends from New York who had also come to Thailand then headed into town.
Upon arrival at the million stories high mall, we went to the top and got some lunch, we left Ricky to shop his little socks off and fill his empty bag with summer clothes and us girls went to see some temples and the Grand Palace and have an adventure of our own!
We found an amazing street market with all types of food and had the most delicious mixed fresh fruit smoothie mmmmm!

We then spent about half an hour bartering with different taxis and tuk tuks to take us home, eventually convincing one to take us all back for 250 baht - about £5!
We found Ricky at our hostel, suitably shopped out so we got changed and ventured into town to see what the night could offer us in Bangkok...

Holy hell!

We we not mentally prepared - we walked into Patpong Night Market [basically a long street with hundreds of stalls selling fake goods at 'good prices for you'....] with all the counterfeit goodies you could ever want and then BOOM!

"PING PONG SHOW! YOU WANNA COME PING PONG SHOW?"

Every 2 minutes another man was thrusting a laminated sheet of lies in our faces asking if we wanted to see a woman squirt various objects at us from her vagina... naturally, after a heavy discussion about the price [100 baht each for all the shows and drinks] we entered the house of Pussy Pong.
A seedy black room where miserable, almost unmoving lady boys clunkily swayed next to a pole, as a pregnant stripper slinked between them, caressing her rotund belly and uncovered breasts; then it happened.

A Tupperware box of ping pong balls was slid centre stage and a short, dumpy woman plodded on behind it in nothing but a bra. She preceded to lie on a towel on stage (cleanliness is next to Godliness...) and with her vagina poised, ready and pointing at us, the balls began to fly left, right and centre with a healthy coating of glistening discharge. Then the paddles came out for those of us not firing things out of our lady gardens and the game began - Pussy Pong Extreme.
Every time one of those juice-encased balls projectiled towards us, Ricky was there batting them away - at one point I thought he was trying to return them to their point of origin!

Anyway, after a ghastly shower of balls and moist vagina, a different woman came on stage with a box of her own. She took down balloons fro the poles that were still being belittled by motionless lady boys and handed said balloons to everyone in the audience.
She assumed a similar position to the other woman but instead of a ping pong balls being plunged into the void, a 6-inch hollow metal pipe, almost like a penny whistle, found its way into her iridescent cleft. She then placed a tiny dart into the pipe, ordered us to hold up our balloons and bang!
The dart fired out of her vagina tube with more speed and precision than an AK-47 and popped the balloons - first time, every time.

Now, throughout the course of the evening we'd noticed several foreigners arguing with what appeared to be the manageress of this establishment. We were ready for her and we were thoroughly aware of how these places made their money.

We finished our drinks, prepared our 100 baht notes and moved towards the door...
"No, no, please sit!"
We advised her that we wanted to leave...

"No, no, please wait a moment, sit, sit!"
No, we were leaving, and began heading to the door...

"Ok, ok!" she says and she goes to get what appears to be a pre-printed bill for 4,200 baht!

The shit hit the fan.

Ricky's telling her hell no, Mish is telling her the guy outside said 100 each, and I'm watching the money.
This woman really didn't like Ricky yelling at her and she got angry.
I stepped forward and told her she either accepts 100 baht each or we leave and she gets nothing.
"Ok, ok, 300 baht. You pay now."

Ricky hands her 200 baht and Mish hands over 100 - I didn't realise until it was too late and I too handed over 100 - she snatched the 400 baht, so I, quick like a cat, snatched it back, took the extra 100, threw the 300 back at her and walked out like a fucking boss!

A quick hi-5 in the street and we went to find dinner. Bangkok hadn't got us yet!

So after walking past countless more ping pong shows and lady boy bars we made it back to the main road and searched for food.
We didn't want anything huge and we didn't want chain food so we went down a small street with chairs and tables outside and local Thai people chowing down.

We ordered some chicken and rice, Ricky got a beer - Ricky and Mish ate mine as I wasn't a fan and then the people we'd bought it from tried to rip Ricky off!
So far, Bangkok was behaving badly but we were prepared.

A little further down the road we found 'Boy Street'... On first reading, you're probably thinking a street of beautiful girls all provocatively gyrating for the passing men.

You'd be wrong.

This was a street of beautiful boys, provocatively gyrating for the passing men.

Neon signs boasted the "Sexiest boys in Bangkok", some were less classy but more to the point, like "Boys! Boys! Boys!" - either way, it was a sexual avenue of promiscuity and lust at every turn.

Oddly enough, I felt safer and more at home in that homosexual wonderland than anywhere else in Bangkok!

Ricky went to the toilet, and when he started walking back towards us, he looked like he was trying to escape the River Styxx - swirling in and out of throngs of bodies and clawing hands, his face lit up like a kid in a candy store, as multiple, beautiful boys dragged him left, right and centre - at one point I feared that he might be quartered!
When he eventually got to us, all we heard was "I need more money" his eyes wide and wild - we told him we had money and asked him where he wanted to go first... "Oh, I know where I want to go!" he replied, raising his eyebrows, a sure indication of trouble!

Then he took us both by the hand and whisked us into a nearby neon hot spot with 10 to 20 boys lined up around a thrust stage and every 30 seconds or so they moved to the left like they were on a perpetual sexy carousel.
Each boy had a number and for 500 baht you could pick one and take him out of the meat market - we worked as a team; I handled the money, Mish discussed prices and services, and Ricky picked the one he wanted.

The deal was struck, the money paid, and the sexy cowboy-boots-wearing buff went to put real people clothes on!
Mish and I followed a few 100 yards behind the 2 boys walking hand in hand when our homo beckoned us to him - with the slip of a 500 baht note they crossed the street to a shady looking hotel - Mish and I waited it out nearby...

Apparently, when you use Mish and I to negotiate prices and handle the cash exchanges, you also get added protection services as well.

About 20 minutes later, not even that, we saw our paid and saddled Thai boy scurrying back towards the bar we bought him from. Our cue had arrived, on our feet and across the road in less than 15 seconds, we headed towards the hotel to see an angry and confused Ricky walking towards us.
There just wasn't enough money in our pockets to pay for ass in Bangkok.
Bangkok - 1 : Us - 1

Tired and defeated by Bangkok's sexual frivolities, we went back to the hostel to chill out. There are a lot of rats in Bangkok, and cockroaches in the shower! Bleurgh!

The next day we went to Tanya and Kylie's hotel - it was beautiful, so naturally we stole their pool and preceded to fanny around like idiots for an hour or so completely forgetting that we should have checked out from our own accommodation already.

A quick trip back to our hostel, our stuff crammed back into our bags and back we went to the girls hotel.

We ventured out to find some food, I had Pad Thai, it was scrummy
Ricky decided he wanted to be a bit more adventurous so ordered the grilled tongue.

Before I knew what was happening, I saw my fork going towards his plate, I was more surprised when it pierced a piece of grilled tongue and started making it's way back towards my own tongue (ungrilled!)

So apparently, I like tongue now. Who knew!?

This is my life - Ricky is adamant that we'd eat bugs on this holiday, knowing us, we probably would!

We went back to the girl's hotel, grabbed our bags, hopped into a taxi and headed to the bus station.
We got onto the bus/coach for our 9 hour overnight trip north to Chiangmai in the most luxurious seats and service I've ever experienced on a coach. It was better than some flights I've taken! We got fully reclining seats with leg rests, a blanket, a neck-loop-pillow thingy, water, snacks, some weird flavoured juice boxes and AC - not bad at all for £10!

Tune in for the next entry - Chiangmai and Death Mountain! xxx